I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Come back. Shots need mouths.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
