Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
