Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I'm bleeding and have questions
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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