I puked a lego.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
