true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize
