I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
