your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Two words: nipple clamps
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