It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
