the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize