god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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