You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Randomize
