How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
