Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Randomize
