my soul wont recognize me after tonight
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
