i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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