I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
