Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
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