I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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