I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
She is in my trunk
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
