at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
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