She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
