i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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