No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
