Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
