the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
