I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
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I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
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I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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