You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
