If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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