I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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