Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
