Yo dont text me then not text me
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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