I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
