Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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