The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
