your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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