she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
