I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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