as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
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