I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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