believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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