and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
