just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
