Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
