it wasn't lemon gatorade
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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