he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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