Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
