before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
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