i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
