i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
