my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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