is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
