you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
