I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
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At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
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No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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