I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Randomize
