there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
its liver damage thursday
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
