I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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