sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
