You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
