Your dad touched me again.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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