I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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